I am not gonna lie, the death and suicide of Robin Williams has hit me pretty hard.
I would love to say that it was solely because growing up he was one of my idols. Or that even now he was one of my favorite comedic actors…which is true.
This was a man that struggled with his own demons for most of his life and yet still brought people such joy with his ability to make us laugh. I think people underestimate just how important laughter is in the grand scope of things. If nothing else laughter can help keep the demons at bay…even if for just a moment.
But mostly it has made me come face to face with my own depression. Now, this isn’t an epiphany that I am depressed, I have known this for a long time. Yet, most of the time I have a hard time admitting it and even more so, dealing with it. It isn’t the life crushing, going to take me life kind of depression. I haven’t felt THAT way in some time. To me at least, it is almost worse, cuz it is that sneaky kind of depression that only comes around every once in a while and allows me to think I have a handle on it.
The great illusion.
There is also someone in my life right now that although we are not getting along at all, has a deep depression that terrifies me. Most of the time they think that it will never get better. I try to tell them it will, but hell I wonder the same things sometimes…and probably sound like a hypocrite. But just how much it affects her scares the hell out of me. I love her very much and although those words are easy to say, it is hard to watch her struggle so much with it and not be able to do anything to really help her.
I think the thing that hit me so hard about Robin’s death was that he was 63. We tell ourselves that as we get older, we should be able to deal with our shit better. But that isn’t really true is it? I am not much better at dealing with my own insecurities more now, than when they really started to show themselves year ago when I pushed someone I loved away due to being afraid. Depression doesn’t care how old you are.
Just the idea of being that age and not being able to handle it, scares the fuck out of me. Not for me (although a little), but for all of the people I know that have to deal with this horrible thing. There are too many people out there that are just one bad day from ending it all. To those people I wish I could say something that would make it better.
The bottom line is we all fight our own demons, but we all need support to handle them. This is not easy for people sometimes as we. don’t want others to see us as weak. That is my own personal pride. I do not want anyone else to ever see me struggle, so I go away. Hurting myself, and others in the process. I have to learn that as much as I want to be there for people in my life that struggle with this horrible disease, so do I…and I need support just as much as they do.
This is something that can be beaten. I truly believe this for myself, for my friend that I love VERY much, and for anyone else out there that is fighting the fight against depression.
I don’t wanna to feel like this tomorrow
I don’t wanna live like this today
Make me feel better
I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now
And never surrender
Never surrender.
That.
