Now, these aren’t bad things, just something I never saw coming. Life rarely goes how you plan it and lord knows I have made enough mistakes in the past that has led me to where I currently am. But things are looking better as I finally have a good job and make decent money. Is not a surprise to anyone that you feel better when those things happens. Money tends to do that. I am not someone that has ever been driven by it, but not having any of it for almost five years really changed the way you view a paycheck.
Money is everything, or so they say. But most of the people that say these things, have it.
But anyway. So, I am living in Pittsburgh now and I really have to consider what that means. What the next five years of my life will be. I am just now starting to try to date, which is it’s owns separate issue of terror. But beyond that, I need to figure some things out.
Rent or own
Living in New York for 10 years really knocked the idea of owning out of me. You just could not afford it unless you made a lot of money, and had a partner. So, now I am looking or apartments and wondering if I should eventually own a home here. As most people know I am been somewhat reluctant to accept living here as I loved living in Queens. But I am getting past that. The biggest issue (other than my poor credit rating) is it is hard to imagine owning a house by myself. So, that is just an odd thought. Do I want to live in apartments for the rest of my life? I honestly don’t know. I was ok with that in NYC, but this is not NYC.
Car
Another thing I have been dragging my feet on. I have not driven since 2003. Yep, that long. But, as much as I don’t mind getting around Pittsburgh by bus, it is not always the most efficient process. Heaven forbid I want to go back to Monroeville. That trip takes longer than most did in NYC, and that in itself is ridiculous. But I make ok money now, but not good enough money where I can afford rent in a nice neighborhood AND a car payment. Not to mention, I don’t want a car payment. So, eventually I may have to save money and try to buy a used car outright. But that also means getting my license again.
Dating
This one terrifies me as I really miss having someone in my life. We are not meant to be alone. We just aren’t. Being lonely is one of the worst feelings. I have only been on like 5-10 dates in the last five years. Mostly due to financial problems. Now that is different and dating is just a mess. The last good relationship I had was being set up by a close friend. It was amazing, right up until the point where my fear of commitment sabotaged that particular relationship. There is a bit of a pattern there to say the least. I am hoping I have grown since then as I feel like I have a better understanding about that. But you never really know until you get out there.
Not to mention, I am very picky now. I don’t want kids. I don’t want anyone that has kids. I don’t’ want anyone that smokes. It is just sad how small of a pool of people that gives you on various dating sites. Not to mention, sometimes people are kind of hateful when you say you don’t want kids. Like you have done something wrong. Seriously? This has happened both online and from people I know at work. I don’t feel like I should have to defend myself for how I feel at this point in my life. I just ignore it now, but it is just one of those things that kind of stings. Even more so than rejection, as I can at least understand that.
The Future
Who knows at this point. Fifteen years ago I would never imagine I would live in NYC for 10 years and end up in Pittsburgh, so trying to figure out the future is not easy. Still, I am happier than I have been in years and am ready to get back out and see people. So, for the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful for the future. I am not trying to sound dramatic, but when you don’t have a job, and can’t pay rent for an extended period of time, it is hard to look at things in a positive light. It just is. But now I feel like the best years of my life could be in front of me.
