The importance of being who you are

Yes, this sounds easy, right? Just be who you are.

The problem is sometimes, you don’t know what that is. You can go through periods of your life where you just lose track of who you are. Those things that made you happy and helped you through the bad shit just disappear. I know I have went through this on and off for a while, but especially in the last two years.  

But I have been slowly coming out of if the last few months. I am back to reading the way I did in New York. I have felt the gaming bug slowly start to come back. Lately I have even gone back and started reading some of the books for games I want to play.

But this last weekend, I went to Nunchcon 4.0, a small mini-con here in Pittsburgh. I played three games and got caught up with a few people I have not seen in almost a year….which was awesome. But even more than that it was a way for me to fight the odd anxiety I have developed since last December. I am not saying that the anxiety could have been there before that, but that was the first time it manifested itself.

And it felt great.

Mostly cuz I feel like for a long time I have denied myself my geekier passions. I know, I know. I am 43 years old and some would say I should stop loving dragons, video games, tabletop rpg’s, etc. I have heard it more than a few times throughout my life. But it is something that gives me joy. Part of it is a social thing as it is just nice to be around people that like the same things as you. The other part of it is just doing those things you love. Things like going to the movies, or reading a great book. These are one of the few constants in my 43 years.

Also, isn’t it just nice to allow myself to feel good about something? I am really hard on myself most of the time and some would say I fight being happy. So, for this moment I feel really good. Getting back to doing the things that not only:

(A) allows me to enjoy things I love.

But maybe just as important (B) requires me to be more social again.

So, that is it. Just feeling good after a fun weekend. Am hoping I can keep the momentum . Which to be fair, is solely up to me.

Four years later

Just over four years ago, my life started to change for the worst.

I lost my job (and had a hard time finding a new one), pushed away a woman that loved and supported me, struggled financially, and went into a depression for the first time in years. After that, things just got worse. I lost control of my life, lost my apartment, lost everything I owned because my storage unit screwed up and sold it all in an auction.

Oy. I was one step away from going to a shelter. If not for the love of friends of mine, I don’t know where I would have been. First in New York, and later in Pittsburgh.

Now four years later, I feel like I am in some of the same rut. Still, struggling to find work. Still struggling with depression. Having to live with a bunch of degenerates because I don’t have consistent enough work to get my own place.

Yes, life can be hard at times.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I know this looks like I am just whining, and on some level, maybe I am. It is hard sometimes to think things will get better. You tell yourself they will, but it can be hard to imagine at times.

But it has to change. On some levels it has, as I can feel confidence in who I am slowly returning. Yes, there are setbacks as I still struggle with depression, but there is also hope. I have always thought that you have to believe things will get better before they actually can. I mean how can you find the determination and strength to get better if you don’t believe you can?

You also know there are still so many people that have it worse than you.

Now, I am 43, and no, my life is not where I want it to be. That is how life is sometimes. But you dust yourself off…get up off the ground and keep moving forward. Even if you aren’t moving forward as quickly as you would like.

Forward is forward. I saw something on FB today and shared it because it nails where I am right now.  It said, “What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.”

Yep.