Four years later

Just over four years ago, my life started to change for the worst.

I lost my job (and had a hard time finding a new one), pushed away a woman that loved and supported me, struggled financially, and went into a depression for the first time in years. After that, things just got worse. I lost control of my life, lost my apartment, lost everything I owned because my storage unit screwed up and sold it all in an auction.

Oy. I was one step away from going to a shelter. If not for the love of friends of mine, I don’t know where I would have been. First in New York, and later in Pittsburgh.

Now four years later, I feel like I am in some of the same rut. Still, struggling to find work. Still struggling with depression. Having to live with a bunch of degenerates because I don’t have consistent enough work to get my own place.

Yes, life can be hard at times.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I know this looks like I am just whining, and on some level, maybe I am. It is hard sometimes to think things will get better. You tell yourself they will, but it can be hard to imagine at times.

But it has to change. On some levels it has, as I can feel confidence in who I am slowly returning. Yes, there are setbacks as I still struggle with depression, but there is also hope. I have always thought that you have to believe things will get better before they actually can. I mean how can you find the determination and strength to get better if you don’t believe you can?

You also know there are still so many people that have it worse than you.

Now, I am 43, and no, my life is not where I want it to be. That is how life is sometimes. But you dust yourself off…get up off the ground and keep moving forward. Even if you aren’t moving forward as quickly as you would like.

Forward is forward. I saw something on FB today and shared it because it nails where I am right now.  It said, “What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.”

Yep.