The importance of the future

I am at place in my life I never saw coming. 44 years old, single, and living in Pittsburgh.

Now, these aren’t bad things, just something I never saw coming. Life rarely goes how you plan it and lord knows I have made enough mistakes in the past that has led me to where I currently am. But things are looking better as I finally have a good job and make decent money. Is not a surprise to anyone that you feel better when those things happens. Money tends to do that. I am not someone that has ever been driven by it, but not having any of it for almost five years really changed the way you view a paycheck.

Money is everything, or so they say. But most of the people that say these things, have it.

But anyway. So, I am living in Pittsburgh now and I really have to consider what that means. What the next five years of my life will be. I am just now starting to try to date, which is it’s owns separate issue of terror. But beyond that, I need to figure some things out.

Rent or own
Living in New York for 10 years really knocked the idea of owning out of me. You just could not afford it unless you made a lot of money, and had a partner. So, now I am looking or apartments and wondering if I should eventually own a home here. As most people know I am been somewhat reluctant to accept living here as I loved living in Queens. But I am getting past that. The biggest issue (other than my poor credit rating) is it is hard to imagine owning a house by myself. So, that is just an odd thought. Do I want to live in apartments for the rest of my life? I honestly don’t know. I was ok with that in NYC, but this is not NYC.

Car
Another thing I have been dragging my feet on. I have not driven since 2003. Yep, that long. But, as much as I don’t mind getting around Pittsburgh by bus, it is not always the most efficient process. Heaven forbid I want to go back to Monroeville. That trip takes longer than most did in NYC, and that in itself is ridiculous. But I make ok money now, but not good enough money where I can afford rent in a nice neighborhood AND a car payment. Not to mention, I don’t want a car payment. So, eventually I may have to save money and try to buy a used car outright. But that also means getting my license again.

Dating
This one terrifies me as I really miss having someone in my life. We are not meant to be alone. We just aren’t. Being lonely is one of the worst feelings. I have only been on like 5-10 dates in the last five years. Mostly due to financial problems. Now that is different and dating is just a mess. The last good relationship I had was being set up by a close friend. It was amazing, right up until the point where my fear of commitment sabotaged that particular relationship. There is a bit of a pattern there to say the least. I am hoping I have grown since then as I feel like I have a better understanding about that. But you never really know until you get out there.

Not to mention, I am very picky now. I don’t want kids. I don’t want anyone that has kids. I don’t’ want anyone that smokes. It is just sad how small of a pool of people that gives you on various dating sites. Not to mention, sometimes people are kind of hateful when you say you don’t want kids. Like you have done something wrong. Seriously? This has happened both online and from people I know at work. I don’t feel like I should have to defend myself for how I feel at this point in my life. I just ignore it now, but it is just one of those things that kind of stings. Even more so than rejection, as I can at least understand that.

The Future
Who knows at this point. Fifteen years ago I would never imagine I would live in NYC for 10 years and end up in Pittsburgh, so trying to figure out the future is not easy. Still, I am happier than I have been in years and am ready to get back out and see people. So, for the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful for the future. I am not trying to sound dramatic, but when you don’t have a job, and can’t pay rent for an extended period of time, it is hard to look at things in a positive light. It just is. But now I feel like the best years of my life could be in front of me.

The importance of having people in your life

So, things have changed for me in the last month or so. For the first time since early 2010, I am feeling good about myself. I don’t mean for that to sound so dramatic, but I have struggled for that entire time and it is damn nice to actually feel content with where my life is going. 

Having a full time job really helps with this. I don’t think people understand how much of your identity is wrapped around where you work. I know I didn’t. But just being “part” of something is crucial (I think) in becoming happy. Happiness doesn’t come from being alone. But between making consistent money for the first time in almost three years and just getting up every day and going to work…I have slowly started feeling better again. 

My biggest issue is that I dwell. I know I am not alone in this, but the past is so hard to let go. Especially when you feel like you have made mistake after mistake. Which in some cases is true, but even harder is just letting all of that go. I imagine I will struggle with this for the rest of my life, but at least for today, I can feel good about where I am. 

The next part of the evolution of this is people. It doesn’t matter how good you feel about yourself if there are not people in your life. Sadly, I don’t have many people at all that I ever really see. I have one very close friend that we do things, but other than that, not so much. 

There are factors in this. 

The first reason is that when I struggle, I don’t want people to see it. Call it pride, or whatever you wish. I tend to close myself off from people. Especially when I am depressed, which has happened quite a bit over the last few years. That is on me. 
Second is the fact that some of my friends are not great at communicating. To be fair, neither am I. But months can go by without talking to people that I used to be very close to. I have friends that moved here from NYC last year and I still haven’t even seen their home. I know things are not the same as when I lived in NYC. I get that, and I understand that. But I miss these people and I realize that maybe I am the one that has to make the push for this. That is fine, as when they were a part of my life, is the last time I can say I was actually happy. 
Third are people that I met when I first moved here. Mostly from Gasp gaming day (which I have not been to in over a year). Gaming is a large part of who I am, and I need to get back into it. Especially since it is been almost a year since I have done it last. But after hanging out with people for a bit, I just disappeared. They are still around, and I have tentatively reached out to a few of them, but again it is up to me to make more of an effort.   
Fourth is finding a way to meet new people as well. That is never easy, and Pittsburgh isn’t the largest city and I really don’t know how to go about it. One idea I have is to do what I did back in NYC when I moved there in 2003. Start a book club. I am really thinking about doing that again. But finding people may be more difficult. 

The bottom line is what I already said. Your life is always less full without people in it. We think we can do everything by ourselves, but the bottom line is we can’t. People are important. Whether things are good or bad, and I hate how I tend to forget this sometimes. 

But, I am trying.