Having a full time job really helps with this. I don’t think people understand how much of your identity is wrapped around where you work. I know I didn’t. But just being “part” of something is crucial (I think) in becoming happy. Happiness doesn’t come from being alone. But between making consistent money for the first time in almost three years and just getting up every day and going to work…I have slowly started feeling better again.
My biggest issue is that I dwell. I know I am not alone in this, but the past is so hard to let go. Especially when you feel like you have made mistake after mistake. Which in some cases is true, but even harder is just letting all of that go. I imagine I will struggle with this for the rest of my life, but at least for today, I can feel good about where I am.
The next part of the evolution of this is people. It doesn’t matter how good you feel about yourself if there are not people in your life. Sadly, I don’t have many people at all that I ever really see. I have one very close friend that we do things, but other than that, not so much.
There are factors in this.
The first reason is that when I struggle, I don’t want people to see it. Call it pride, or whatever you wish. I tend to close myself off from people. Especially when I am depressed, which has happened quite a bit over the last few years. That is on me.
Second is the fact that some of my friends are not great at communicating. To be fair, neither am I. But months can go by without talking to people that I used to be very close to. I have friends that moved here from NYC last year and I still haven’t even seen their home. I know things are not the same as when I lived in NYC. I get that, and I understand that. But I miss these people and I realize that maybe I am the one that has to make the push for this. That is fine, as when they were a part of my life, is the last time I can say I was actually happy.
Third are people that I met when I first moved here. Mostly from Gasp gaming day (which I have not been to in over a year). Gaming is a large part of who I am, and I need to get back into it. Especially since it is been almost a year since I have done it last. But after hanging out with people for a bit, I just disappeared. They are still around, and I have tentatively reached out to a few of them, but again it is up to me to make more of an effort.
Fourth is finding a way to meet new people as well. That is never easy, and Pittsburgh isn’t the largest city and I really don’t know how to go about it. One idea I have is to do what I did back in NYC when I moved there in 2003. Start a book club. I am really thinking about doing that again. But finding people may be more difficult.
The bottom line is what I already said. Your life is always less full without people in it. We think we can do everything by ourselves, but the bottom line is we can’t. People are important. Whether things are good or bad, and I hate how I tend to forget this sometimes.
But, I am trying.
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