The importance of laughter

That sounds silly, right? We all laugh, right?

Don’t we?

In all of the weirdness that I am dealing with in regards to my “issues”. Something hit me last night. I don’t laugh much anymore. Yes, there are occasions of television/movie/someone in real life saying something that makes you laugh. But that doesn’t happen as often as it used too.

At least not lately.

This is a huge thing. Laughter is kind of a buffer against depression and anxiety. At least to me, but honestly for most people I would think. I am someone that lives to make other people laugh and understand the importance of being able to do so. So, when I realize that I don’t laugh much anymore, this just goes hand in hand with all of the other issues I have right now.

Maybe it as simple as if you are laughing, then you are not feeling all the negative things. Negativity has a way of steamrolling on you and sometimes it can be very hard to fight. It is kind of like that annoying friend that won’t go away. It just stays around, eating your food and ignoring your pleas to get the hell out.

When I talk about laughter, I don’t mean laughing at someone to be cruel. That is easy and whether you want to admit it or not, everyone does this to some extent. No, I mean the genuine, deep in your gut laugh.The one that makes you snort or just feel silly for even doing so. When someone makes a joke or an observation that you were not expecting, and that laugh just sneaks out of you.

I actually have a good friend that does this to me, I should let her know more often, how much I appreciate that. 

Yeah, it can be an amazing thing. 

As I said it also is a defense against all the negativity that you can have in your life. If you are laughing, you are smiling, and if you are smiling, you are not sad. It is a very simple thing, but one that you can lose touch with when you are dealing with stress and anxiety all the time. You have to try to fight the negative bullshit, as life can throw you some curves on occasion.

For me? I may have to find me a silly comedy this weekend to watch. Something that just for an hour makes me laugh and smile.

It is a start.

The importance of sanity

I feel more than a little crazy lately. There are factors; one is my sleeping (or lack thereof).

I am not someone that normally sleeps well. But the last month and a half may be the worst batch of sleeping I have ever had. Hell, this is even with having sleep apnea most of my life. I am also sleeping on maybe the least comfortable air mattress in the history of ever. But I don't have the money for a bed and have even tried sleeping on the floor the last two days.

A friend game me a couple of Ambien over the weekend. Man, if I ever became addicted to a drug it would not be weed, or coke. It would be sleeping pills. It has happened before and is really the only drug I have ever thought could be a problem.

Still, I would take that shit so hard right now. J

I fell asleep at my desk today. I am kind of glad no one saw that as management usually frowns on you sleeping on their dime.

So, this is just adding to all the other things right now.

Beyond that, I am also irritable. Overly sensitive. Anxious. Exhausted. Sad. Defensive. Distracted. I mean REALLY distracted. This is saying something as I can barely hold conversations with people right now without looking up at every damn noise. Yes, I have ADD, but it is never this bad.

Oh and needy. I have NEVER been needy. Never needed people to pay attention to me to this point and get crazy when they don't. Hell, I wish I could say that people are wrong, but I have heard this from three people in the last 24 hours. Kind of hard to ignore all that.

Well, at least now it was. I did a pretty good job of ignoring for the last month or so.

I feel like all I do lately is annoy everyone. Either by being all I mentioned above, or even just kind of rude. Things just popping out of my mouth that even my limited access to a filter ignore. This has happened a lot lately. Where I just kind of snap at people for no real reason.

Apologizing to people all the time is starting to get old. If you are always having to do that, you have a problem.

None of this is an excuse to how I have acted lately. But they are factors, and ones that I have to deal with to get better.

To get sane again.

The importance of overcoming

I needed to get some words out of me and this seems like a good place for it.

So, I am struggling right now. You would think that getting a temporary job would have made me feel better, but I have never felt much relief at that. Yes, having money is nice and lord knows how I missed going to the movies. But at the end of this rainbow is the fact that in 3-5 weeks I could be unemployed again. That scares the hell out of me.

I don’t think people realize how hard that can be. It is easy to just say, “get a job”, and there is some truth to that. But the first trap is unemployment. It can lull you into a false sense of security as you tell yourself that you are getting money and you will wait for the right job. But without a car here, finding a job has been a lot harder than it really needed to be.

Eventually, it can start making your doubt yourself. Hell, I do that enough as it is, as I struggle with the man that I am as opposed to the man I could be. This has been this way for over four years now. I don’t have a lot of confidence in who I am, whether it is about how I am with people, or even in my non-existent dating life. Doubt is easy, and we all struggle with it.

I am trying to remember the last time I really felt good about myself. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t always depression or anything. But to actually feel good? It has been a while. It is evident in how I am not passionate about the things I have loved for so long anymore. Or, at least I struggle to maintain it. I have game once in the last year. ONCE. This is something I have loved since I was 20. But I have not had the energy to do it in so long. Even now, I still don’t have the energy for it. Hell, I only started reading again a few months ago. That has always been the one constant in my life, and it felt weird to not care about that.

This is showing signs of changing, but slowly.

I lay in bed last night trying to go to sleep, and i realized I was crying. Hell, I didn’t even know why. Yes, I have had my struggles with depression the last few years, and lord knows due to my crappy bed type apparatus, I rarely have a good nights sleep. That last part goes a LONG way to make all of this worse. Because of this, it has made me a little crazy for a while. I don’t mean psycho kind of crazy, just a very sensitive, and over-reactive kind of crazy. This has caused problems with more than a few people I care about. I am so damn tired of apologizing yet again for reacting the way I do. Yet, when you fuck up, you have to do that.

But with all of this comes hope. I can feel the voice in the back of my mind that wants this to be different.. I refuse to think this is the way my life will always be. I know right now things could be better, but I truly believe I will get my damn life in order at some point. I have to believe that. Life is about balance and it will tip my way again.

You also have to remember that life sure could be a hell of a lot worse too.

Still, I want a great life, god damn it.

I want the things I used to have. Things I lost, or just threw away. Great friends, someone to love, a place to call home. I have no idea where that will take me, and it could even take me out of Pittsburgh, but I know I want that again. Right now, I just have to find the energy to claim that kind of life again.

It isn’t happening today. Or maybe even tomorrow. But it will happen. I truly believe that if you don't think things will get better, they never will. That is sometimes that hardest step.