The importance of overcoming

I needed to get some words out of me and this seems like a good place for it.

So, I am struggling right now. You would think that getting a temporary job would have made me feel better, but I have never felt much relief at that. Yes, having money is nice and lord knows how I missed going to the movies. But at the end of this rainbow is the fact that in 3-5 weeks I could be unemployed again. That scares the hell out of me.

I don’t think people realize how hard that can be. It is easy to just say, “get a job”, and there is some truth to that. But the first trap is unemployment. It can lull you into a false sense of security as you tell yourself that you are getting money and you will wait for the right job. But without a car here, finding a job has been a lot harder than it really needed to be.

Eventually, it can start making your doubt yourself. Hell, I do that enough as it is, as I struggle with the man that I am as opposed to the man I could be. This has been this way for over four years now. I don’t have a lot of confidence in who I am, whether it is about how I am with people, or even in my non-existent dating life. Doubt is easy, and we all struggle with it.

I am trying to remember the last time I really felt good about myself. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t always depression or anything. But to actually feel good? It has been a while. It is evident in how I am not passionate about the things I have loved for so long anymore. Or, at least I struggle to maintain it. I have game once in the last year. ONCE. This is something I have loved since I was 20. But I have not had the energy to do it in so long. Even now, I still don’t have the energy for it. Hell, I only started reading again a few months ago. That has always been the one constant in my life, and it felt weird to not care about that.

This is showing signs of changing, but slowly.

I lay in bed last night trying to go to sleep, and i realized I was crying. Hell, I didn’t even know why. Yes, I have had my struggles with depression the last few years, and lord knows due to my crappy bed type apparatus, I rarely have a good nights sleep. That last part goes a LONG way to make all of this worse. Because of this, it has made me a little crazy for a while. I don’t mean psycho kind of crazy, just a very sensitive, and over-reactive kind of crazy. This has caused problems with more than a few people I care about. I am so damn tired of apologizing yet again for reacting the way I do. Yet, when you fuck up, you have to do that.

But with all of this comes hope. I can feel the voice in the back of my mind that wants this to be different.. I refuse to think this is the way my life will always be. I know right now things could be better, but I truly believe I will get my damn life in order at some point. I have to believe that. Life is about balance and it will tip my way again.

You also have to remember that life sure could be a hell of a lot worse too.

Still, I want a great life, god damn it.

I want the things I used to have. Things I lost, or just threw away. Great friends, someone to love, a place to call home. I have no idea where that will take me, and it could even take me out of Pittsburgh, but I know I want that again. Right now, I just have to find the energy to claim that kind of life again.

It isn’t happening today. Or maybe even tomorrow. But it will happen. I truly believe that if you don't think things will get better, they never will. That is sometimes that hardest step.