The importance of the future

I am at place in my life I never saw coming. 44 years old, single, and living in Pittsburgh.

Now, these aren’t bad things, just something I never saw coming. Life rarely goes how you plan it and lord knows I have made enough mistakes in the past that has led me to where I currently am. But things are looking better as I finally have a good job and make decent money. Is not a surprise to anyone that you feel better when those things happens. Money tends to do that. I am not someone that has ever been driven by it, but not having any of it for almost five years really changed the way you view a paycheck.

Money is everything, or so they say. But most of the people that say these things, have it.

But anyway. So, I am living in Pittsburgh now and I really have to consider what that means. What the next five years of my life will be. I am just now starting to try to date, which is it’s owns separate issue of terror. But beyond that, I need to figure some things out.

Rent or own
Living in New York for 10 years really knocked the idea of owning out of me. You just could not afford it unless you made a lot of money, and had a partner. So, now I am looking or apartments and wondering if I should eventually own a home here. As most people know I am been somewhat reluctant to accept living here as I loved living in Queens. But I am getting past that. The biggest issue (other than my poor credit rating) is it is hard to imagine owning a house by myself. So, that is just an odd thought. Do I want to live in apartments for the rest of my life? I honestly don’t know. I was ok with that in NYC, but this is not NYC.

Car
Another thing I have been dragging my feet on. I have not driven since 2003. Yep, that long. But, as much as I don’t mind getting around Pittsburgh by bus, it is not always the most efficient process. Heaven forbid I want to go back to Monroeville. That trip takes longer than most did in NYC, and that in itself is ridiculous. But I make ok money now, but not good enough money where I can afford rent in a nice neighborhood AND a car payment. Not to mention, I don’t want a car payment. So, eventually I may have to save money and try to buy a used car outright. But that also means getting my license again.

Dating
This one terrifies me as I really miss having someone in my life. We are not meant to be alone. We just aren’t. Being lonely is one of the worst feelings. I have only been on like 5-10 dates in the last five years. Mostly due to financial problems. Now that is different and dating is just a mess. The last good relationship I had was being set up by a close friend. It was amazing, right up until the point where my fear of commitment sabotaged that particular relationship. There is a bit of a pattern there to say the least. I am hoping I have grown since then as I feel like I have a better understanding about that. But you never really know until you get out there.

Not to mention, I am very picky now. I don’t want kids. I don’t want anyone that has kids. I don’t’ want anyone that smokes. It is just sad how small of a pool of people that gives you on various dating sites. Not to mention, sometimes people are kind of hateful when you say you don’t want kids. Like you have done something wrong. Seriously? This has happened both online and from people I know at work. I don’t feel like I should have to defend myself for how I feel at this point in my life. I just ignore it now, but it is just one of those things that kind of stings. Even more so than rejection, as I can at least understand that.

The Future
Who knows at this point. Fifteen years ago I would never imagine I would live in NYC for 10 years and end up in Pittsburgh, so trying to figure out the future is not easy. Still, I am happier than I have been in years and am ready to get back out and see people. So, for the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful for the future. I am not trying to sound dramatic, but when you don’t have a job, and can’t pay rent for an extended period of time, it is hard to look at things in a positive light. It just is. But now I feel like the best years of my life could be in front of me.

The importance of having people in your life

So, things have changed for me in the last month or so. For the first time since early 2010, I am feeling good about myself. I don’t mean for that to sound so dramatic, but I have struggled for that entire time and it is damn nice to actually feel content with where my life is going. 

Having a full time job really helps with this. I don’t think people understand how much of your identity is wrapped around where you work. I know I didn’t. But just being “part” of something is crucial (I think) in becoming happy. Happiness doesn’t come from being alone. But between making consistent money for the first time in almost three years and just getting up every day and going to work…I have slowly started feeling better again. 

My biggest issue is that I dwell. I know I am not alone in this, but the past is so hard to let go. Especially when you feel like you have made mistake after mistake. Which in some cases is true, but even harder is just letting all of that go. I imagine I will struggle with this for the rest of my life, but at least for today, I can feel good about where I am. 

The next part of the evolution of this is people. It doesn’t matter how good you feel about yourself if there are not people in your life. Sadly, I don’t have many people at all that I ever really see. I have one very close friend that we do things, but other than that, not so much. 

There are factors in this. 

The first reason is that when I struggle, I don’t want people to see it. Call it pride, or whatever you wish. I tend to close myself off from people. Especially when I am depressed, which has happened quite a bit over the last few years. That is on me. 
Second is the fact that some of my friends are not great at communicating. To be fair, neither am I. But months can go by without talking to people that I used to be very close to. I have friends that moved here from NYC last year and I still haven’t even seen their home. I know things are not the same as when I lived in NYC. I get that, and I understand that. But I miss these people and I realize that maybe I am the one that has to make the push for this. That is fine, as when they were a part of my life, is the last time I can say I was actually happy. 
Third are people that I met when I first moved here. Mostly from Gasp gaming day (which I have not been to in over a year). Gaming is a large part of who I am, and I need to get back into it. Especially since it is been almost a year since I have done it last. But after hanging out with people for a bit, I just disappeared. They are still around, and I have tentatively reached out to a few of them, but again it is up to me to make more of an effort.   
Fourth is finding a way to meet new people as well. That is never easy, and Pittsburgh isn’t the largest city and I really don’t know how to go about it. One idea I have is to do what I did back in NYC when I moved there in 2003. Start a book club. I am really thinking about doing that again. But finding people may be more difficult. 

The bottom line is what I already said. Your life is always less full without people in it. We think we can do everything by ourselves, but the bottom line is we can’t. People are important. Whether things are good or bad, and I hate how I tend to forget this sometimes. 

But, I am trying. 

The importance of asking for help

Yesterday, was kind of a rough day for me as I just was not happy with where my life is. This happens sometimes as I still struggle with trying to be happier. That is my own struggle and not really what this is about.

But last night I got a call from someone I knew in New York. Someone I met while gaming and someone that I try to keep up with, but I am not always good at that. So, we haven’t spoken in about six months or so and since she is not a fan of social networking (due to some serious trolling last year), there has not been any contact at all.

So after getting caught up and saying how we should visit each other, yada, yada, yada, she then tells me she has thought about killing herself a lot lately.

Damn.

Now, the last time I seriously thought about killing myself was over twenty years ago…so I do get it up to a point. But that was also a LONG time ago. As sad as I can get now it never reaches that point and it just breaks my heart that people still struggle with this…regardless of age. She is one year younger than I am and we want to tell ourselves that the older we get it is easier to deal with our shit. That isn’t always the case and I was really struggling to come up with words of comfort. A lot of that had to do with own mood yesterday, but after I got off the phone I felt like I had not “done enough”. So, I reached out to a few other people I knew in NYC that both of us knew, in hopes they could go see her and give her more comfort than I felt like I did.

I guess the point of this is. Sometimes life is too much. It can be very hard, and lord knows we have the capacity to make it even more so. It can beat you down and make you want to quit. This happens to just about everyone at some point in their lives. I am not saying life is all bad, cuz there is still beauty, and hope and love that anyone can have. If they really want it. I am just saying sometimes it is fucking hard.

In this instance I am glad she reached out to me. I may not have done as much as I felt like I should have, but the people I contacted have been with her since last night. I received a text this morning saying they were going to take care of her and get her the right kind of help.

I don’t pray, but I can send out my own positive thoughts for Julie.

The importance of being who you are

Yes, this sounds easy, right? Just be who you are.

The problem is sometimes, you don’t know what that is. You can go through periods of your life where you just lose track of who you are. Those things that made you happy and helped you through the bad shit just disappear. I know I have went through this on and off for a while, but especially in the last two years.  

But I have been slowly coming out of if the last few months. I am back to reading the way I did in New York. I have felt the gaming bug slowly start to come back. Lately I have even gone back and started reading some of the books for games I want to play.

But this last weekend, I went to Nunchcon 4.0, a small mini-con here in Pittsburgh. I played three games and got caught up with a few people I have not seen in almost a year….which was awesome. But even more than that it was a way for me to fight the odd anxiety I have developed since last December. I am not saying that the anxiety could have been there before that, but that was the first time it manifested itself.

And it felt great.

Mostly cuz I feel like for a long time I have denied myself my geekier passions. I know, I know. I am 43 years old and some would say I should stop loving dragons, video games, tabletop rpg’s, etc. I have heard it more than a few times throughout my life. But it is something that gives me joy. Part of it is a social thing as it is just nice to be around people that like the same things as you. The other part of it is just doing those things you love. Things like going to the movies, or reading a great book. These are one of the few constants in my 43 years.

Also, isn’t it just nice to allow myself to feel good about something? I am really hard on myself most of the time and some would say I fight being happy. So, for this moment I feel really good. Getting back to doing the things that not only:

(A) allows me to enjoy things I love.

But maybe just as important (B) requires me to be more social again.

So, that is it. Just feeling good after a fun weekend. Am hoping I can keep the momentum . Which to be fair, is solely up to me.

Four years later

Just over four years ago, my life started to change for the worst.

I lost my job (and had a hard time finding a new one), pushed away a woman that loved and supported me, struggled financially, and went into a depression for the first time in years. After that, things just got worse. I lost control of my life, lost my apartment, lost everything I owned because my storage unit screwed up and sold it all in an auction.

Oy. I was one step away from going to a shelter. If not for the love of friends of mine, I don’t know where I would have been. First in New York, and later in Pittsburgh.

Now four years later, I feel like I am in some of the same rut. Still, struggling to find work. Still struggling with depression. Having to live with a bunch of degenerates because I don’t have consistent enough work to get my own place.

Yes, life can be hard at times.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I know this looks like I am just whining, and on some level, maybe I am. It is hard sometimes to think things will get better. You tell yourself they will, but it can be hard to imagine at times.

But it has to change. On some levels it has, as I can feel confidence in who I am slowly returning. Yes, there are setbacks as I still struggle with depression, but there is also hope. I have always thought that you have to believe things will get better before they actually can. I mean how can you find the determination and strength to get better if you don’t believe you can?

You also know there are still so many people that have it worse than you.

Now, I am 43, and no, my life is not where I want it to be. That is how life is sometimes. But you dust yourself off…get up off the ground and keep moving forward. Even if you aren’t moving forward as quickly as you would like.

Forward is forward. I saw something on FB today and shared it because it nails where I am right now.  It said, “What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.”

Yep. 

Depression and what Robin Williams taught me

I am not gonna lie, the death and suicide of Robin Williams has hit me pretty hard.

I would love to say that it was solely because growing up he was one of my idols. Or that even now he was one of my favorite comedic actors…which is true.  

This was a man that struggled with his own demons for most of his life and yet still brought people such joy with his ability to make us laugh. I think people underestimate just how important laughter is in the grand scope of things. If nothing else laughter can help keep the demons at bay…even if for just a moment.

But mostly it has made me come face to face with my own depression. Now, this isn’t an epiphany that I am depressed, I have known this for a long time. Yet, most of the time I have a hard time admitting it and even more so, dealing with it. It isn’t the life crushing, going to take me life kind of depression. I haven’t felt THAT way in some time. To me at least, it is almost worse, cuz it is that sneaky kind of depression that only comes around every once in a while and allows me to think I have a handle on it.

The great illusion.

There is also someone in my life right now that although we are not getting along at all, has a deep depression that terrifies me. Most of the time they think that it will never get better. I try to tell them it will, but hell I wonder the same things sometimes…and probably sound like a hypocrite. But just how much it affects her scares the hell out of me. I love her very much and although those words are easy to say, it is hard to watch her struggle so much with it and not be able to do anything to really help her.

I think the thing that hit me so hard about Robin’s death was that he was 63. We tell ourselves that as we get older, we should be able to deal with our shit better. But that isn’t really true is it? I am not much better at dealing with my own insecurities more now, than when they really started to show themselves year ago when I pushed someone I loved away due to being afraid. Depression doesn’t care how old you are.

Just the idea of being that age and not being able to handle it, scares the fuck out of me. Not for me (although a little), but for all of the people I know that have to deal with this horrible thing. There are too many people out there that are just one bad day from ending it all. To those people I wish I could say something that would make it better.

The bottom line is we all fight our own demons, but we all need support to handle them. This is not easy for people sometimes as we. don’t want others to see us as weak. That is my own personal pride. I do not want anyone else to ever see me struggle, so I go away. Hurting myself, and others in the process. I have to learn that as much as I want to be there for people in my life that struggle with this horrible disease, so do I…and I need support just as much as they do.

This is something that can be beaten. I truly believe this for myself, for my friend that I love VERY much, and for anyone else out there that is fighting the fight against depression. 

I don’t wanna to feel like this tomorrow
I don’t wanna live like this today
Make me feel better
I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now
And never surrender
Never surrender.

That.

The importance of home

The importance of home

This is something I think about a lot.

Home is something I have not felt a lot in my life. I spend the first 32 years of my life in Oklahoma, and it never really felt like I belonged there. That isn’t to blame anyone that I was with whether it was friendship, love, or even family. There was always a part of me that knew I would not end up there.

Then I moved to NYC and for the first time in my life, found the peace that you have when you realize you belong somewhere. I had great friends, an awesome neighborhood, and for one brief moment, a beautiful woman that loved me

It was the happiest I have ever been in my life, and wow do I miss that feeling so damn much.  

All of that changed in 2010, when I was laid off.

In just over a year, I lost my love (although that was my fault), I lost my apartment, could not find a job, had NO money,  and lost everything I owned when a storage unit completely screwed me over. As much as I love New York and Queens especially, it is a city that will beat the shit out of you if you are struggling.

That is just the way the city is. Good or bad.

So, I came to Pittsburgh in December of 2011, and have still had a lot of the same struggles.  Especially in the job/money departments. I still cannot get a handle on how I feel about city and I have lived here just a little over two years. There are times when I really enjoy what this city has, and other times where so many things annoy me…and I miss NYC.

It isn’t as simple as moving back to NYC. Hell, the city kind of left few marks on me that make me a bit apprehensive about moving back there. I mean, maybe someday. But soon? I don’t know. The job market is so hard there and that is a huge part of it.

So now? I am a bit in limbo. Things will be better when I get a full time (and long term) job and can  have my own place. It is hard to have a home when you live with jackasses. So, I have to be honest about how much that effects it all.

So, I am still searching for home. Life is about change, and I am trying to be better about accepting that (with mixed results).  But the search is part of it right? I have hope that I can find home again and with that, peace.

All about the journey and all that?