The importance of home

The importance of home

This is something I think about a lot.

Home is something I have not felt a lot in my life. I spend the first 32 years of my life in Oklahoma, and it never really felt like I belonged there. That isn’t to blame anyone that I was with whether it was friendship, love, or even family. There was always a part of me that knew I would not end up there.

Then I moved to NYC and for the first time in my life, found the peace that you have when you realize you belong somewhere. I had great friends, an awesome neighborhood, and for one brief moment, a beautiful woman that loved me

It was the happiest I have ever been in my life, and wow do I miss that feeling so damn much.  

All of that changed in 2010, when I was laid off.

In just over a year, I lost my love (although that was my fault), I lost my apartment, could not find a job, had NO money,  and lost everything I owned when a storage unit completely screwed me over. As much as I love New York and Queens especially, it is a city that will beat the shit out of you if you are struggling.

That is just the way the city is. Good or bad.

So, I came to Pittsburgh in December of 2011, and have still had a lot of the same struggles.  Especially in the job/money departments. I still cannot get a handle on how I feel about city and I have lived here just a little over two years. There are times when I really enjoy what this city has, and other times where so many things annoy me…and I miss NYC.

It isn’t as simple as moving back to NYC. Hell, the city kind of left few marks on me that make me a bit apprehensive about moving back there. I mean, maybe someday. But soon? I don’t know. The job market is so hard there and that is a huge part of it.

So now? I am a bit in limbo. Things will be better when I get a full time (and long term) job and can  have my own place. It is hard to have a home when you live with jackasses. So, I have to be honest about how much that effects it all.

So, I am still searching for home. Life is about change, and I am trying to be better about accepting that (with mixed results).  But the search is part of it right? I have hope that I can find home again and with that, peace.

All about the journey and all that?

The importance of the fight

Some days are just harder than others.

You try to be optimistic and in a good place, but when you are fighting depression that isn't always easy. Today is that kind of day. Don't get me wrong, nothing bad has happened today, except just not sleeping well the last three days. Just am having a hard time getting around today and cannot even understand how it can only be Wednesday.

That doesn't mean you let it win.

That is sometimes the hardest place to get to. Just reaching that point where you just say...NO MORE. That doesn't mean everything will change in the moment and you will not longer feel sad or depressed. But when you finally reach the point where you are not going to accept it as an outcome and are willing to fight to be happy again.

I still waver at this at times and have my own dark days to be sure. But I am getting to that point where things inspire me again. Which also really helps, because we cannot do this alone. We need other people to help us. We need to find things that reminds us what the end result can be. This can come from a number of places, but you have to be open to optimism and not let negativity just brush it aside.

This isn't an easy thing for damn sure.

But what worth fighting for is ever easy?

The importance of passion

I have said for years that without passion, you have an empty life.  

I am not saying it is the most profound thought ever, but it is something I truly believe in. Especially when things go bad. If nothing else, passion helps deal with the stress when life gets a bit crazy. Distraction can be a god send when you can fall back on things that you truly love.

But it is more than that.

There is a joy in being passionate about something. That “thing” that can always make you feel better, no matter the time or place. That thing that you can find others that love it as much as you do and revel in the fact that you can talk about it for what seems like forever.

This is what has been missing in my life.

I have two passions. Two things that have been such an important part of who I am that It used to be impossible to imagine not doing either. Times change.

The first is reading. Especially the fantasy and mystery genres. I grew up on the Lord of the Rings, and read the Dresden Files once a year. Every year.  There have only been a few times In my life where I did not want to read. Which is a big damn clue as to how depressed I am at that point. I mean no matter what, I am a reader. I take a book EVERYWHERE. But in the last year, I have been hot and cold with it. I am out of that now, but it is hard to look at my life and see how unimportant it was.

The second is gaming, the tabletop kind. This is something I have done for almost 25 years now. Something that became such a huge part of me and over the years gave me so many great moments. I have made friends though this. My closest friends became close through this. This has always been there and although people might find the idea of playing a thief, jedi, fighting the minions of cthulhu, wizard in the dresdenverse, etc., silly. It is something I loved.

Both things have been missing. I am reading now, but the gaming thing is coming much slower. Mostly cuz gaming requires a lot of time and people to do it with. The last isn’t really a problem, but the first has been.

I am almost there I think.

Not quite, as I have a chance to do it this weekend. But I don’t think I am quite ready for that yet as I just don’t have the energy yet.. But the time will come when I am ready to pull out the dice and kick some ass is coming.

Cuz I need that passion back. My life is missing without it.

The importance of music and faith

The last few weeks have been like me stepping out of fog. For too long depression and anxiety have taken control of me. This is something I have fought on and off since 2010. But sometimes it is something as simple as finding something to help you find your faith. My faith is who I am as a person. My belief that I am a good man and can try to live my life the best I can.

What I found was a band called Skillet. Now, the most ironic part of this is that I found out they are considered a christian rock band. This was really confusing at first as I did not want to associate anything with something religious. But thankfully the lyrics are just positive and moving and not overly religious in nature.

As a friend said, I shouldn’t be so worried about where the inspiration comes from and just accept that it did.

Yesterday? I felt as good as I have in a long damn time. I got spend time with a great friend and it was an amazing night. It is so damn nice to just feel something that resembles happiness.

Here are some lyrics I love so far, in no particular order.

Awake and Alive 

I'm at war with the world 

And they try to pull me into the dark

I struggle to find my faith 

As I am slipping from your arms

It's getting harder to stay awake

And my strength is fading fast

Your breathe into me at last

I ’m awake, I’m alive

Now, I know what I believe inside

Now, it’s my time

I’ll do what I want ‘cause this is my life

Here (right here)

Right now (right now)

Stand my ground and never back down

I know what I believe inside

I’m awake, and I’m alive

Never Surrender

Do you know what it’s like when you’re scared to see yourself

Do you know what it’s like when you wish you were someone else

Who didn’t need your help to get by

Do you know what it’s like to wanna surrender

Do you know what it's like when you're not who you wanna be?

Do you know what it's like to be your own worst enemy?

Who sees the things in me I can't hide?

Do you know what it's like to wanna surrender?

I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow

I don't wanna live like this today

Make me feel better

I wanna feel better

Stay with me here now and never surrender

Not gonna die tonight

This is how it feels when you’re bent and broken

This is how it feels when your dignity’s stolen

When everything you love is leaving

You hold on to what you believe in

No, not gonna die tonight

We’re gonna stand and fight forever

(don’t close your eyes)

No, not gonna die tonight

We’re gonna fight for us together

No, were not gonna die tonight

One day too late

Today I’m gonna try a little harder

Gonna make every minute last longer

Gonna learn to forgive and forget

Gonna we don’t have long, gonna make the most of it

Whispers in the dark

No, you’ll never be alone

When darkness comes I’ll light night with stars

Hear the whispers in the dark

No, you’ll never be alone

When darkness comes you know I’m never far

Hear the whispers in the dark

The importance of change

Change is hard.

It isn’t something we like to have to do.  Most of the time, we would rather live in our own shell and not have to deal with things. There is a comfort in that. A false sense of safety in our unwillingness to move on.

Or face change.

Why? Change scares the fuck out of us. Hell, there are times when we would rather be miserable, if for no other reason than it is comfortable. Yes, that is not the smartest thing, but that does a lot to explain why so many people are unhappy.

But whether we want to admit it or not (and without caring with what we think about it) life is always changing. This is never an easy thing to accept, especially when you have control issues. I know I struggle with change all the damn time as I need to control things so much that it causes me problems. I sometimes want things to be the way I want them, and when they are not, I tend to not react to well to that situation.

I wish this was a new thing, but it isn’t. It has gotten so much worse in the last four years. I compound this by becoming more and more reclusive from people. I have a good chance of spending the 4^th alone, and in the short term I have absolutely no problem with that. It is a three day weekend and that is nice all in its own. But in the long term it is just a remind of how much I still keep so many people at a distance.

I know I am doing these things, but sometimes even when you know what you are doing wrong, it is so damn hard to stop.

I live so much in the past and still cling to it so much. Still unable to face things that have haunted me for years. The worst part of not wanting to deal with change is how much of a coward it makes you feel like. This isn’t me beating myself up, there are things I have not dealt with for years mostly cuz I am just afraid.

Self-awareness is pointless if you don’t find a way to use it to your advantage. There are times that I can be amazing at this, but most of the time I just ignore what I don’t want to deal with.

I know I want to be happier, and these are the things I have to change.  

And be willing to let that change happen.