250 words posts about feeling something and being a geek

Feeling something

 
Yes, maybe an odd topic, but the last several years have been a bit crazy.
 
I say that because after all the bad things happened with the job, the ex, and losing everything in NYC…I feel like I have been walking in slow motion ever since. A lot of that is my fault, as I allowed this to happen, but due to it; I kind of shut myself off to protect myself. Not feeling anything but anger, sadness, or frustration.

I know I am not the only one that does that.
 
Other people may get over things quicker. That isn't in my skillset…reluctant to change and all that. I know that sounds silly, but it is easy to get stuck in something and not know how to stop. Before you even realize it, weeks go by, and then it turns into months. The walls go back up very easily sometimes.
 
Living in that kind of haze is easy, but eventually you want things to be different. To feel something again. But time passes and you start to doubt. Just like anything else, you wonder if there is something wrong with you and if things will never change.
 
Yet, the nice thing about life is that it can still prove you wrong. It doesn't take into consideration your negativity or your doubt. Life just brings people into your life and you can either fight it (like I usually do), or ride it out. Sometimes these people are special and them being in your life is more important than protecting yourself.

Geek!

I was asked yesterday why I was such a geek. 

It made me laugh as it did not feel like it was meant as a compliment. It wasn't really meant as an insult either, but either way it amused me.

But it started when I was 8 years old and got went to the library. At this point I was only into reading so much, but that day I brought home the Hobbit. Which I enjoyed, but it got me to my first obsession…The Lord of the Rings.

That obsession has last my entire life, and it was a gateway to other things that I became fanatical about. Things like: Final Fantasy, Harry Potter, The Dresden Files, The Hunger Games, Star Wars, and tabletop roleplaying.

I believe passion is important. 

Life can be crazy. It is good and bad, and awful and amazing. But when things go wrong it is nice to have something to fall back on to help deal with the craziness. For me that is usually reading, a good video game or movie. It is never too late to find a passion, you just have to be open to it. 

It doesn't take everything away, but anything that can help us deal with the bad “shit”, is a good thing. Not to mention, the friends that I have been lucky enough to make throughout my life that have some of the same interests. 

It also a part of who I am. A part that I embrace and that makes me happy.

250 words about home and motivation

Home

The thing I miss most about NYC was that it was home.

That may sound odd, but in 32 years, Oklahoma never felt that way.  When I had the chance to move to NYC, I jumped at the chance. I was in the city I loved, doing the things I loved. The theater, Yankee Stadium, the culture, and the food, oh lord the food.

Then life happened and I lost everything.

I would love to say that I was not to blame for this, but that isn’t true. I made some really bad decisions, and had more than a little bad luck. But maybe the hardest thing that happened was losing my home.

Was my apartment in Astoria the nicest apartment?  No. But damn it, it was mine, and it was the first place in my entire life that felt like home. Losing that sense of belonging is what hurt the most when things went bad.

After that I lost control of my life, and am still struggling to regain it.

Now for the last two years I have fought living in Pittsburgh. Never really giving this city a chance because I told myself I HAD to get back to New York. That was obviously doomed to fail.

Will Pittsburgh ever feel like home?

I don’t know the answer to that. But I know I want that feeling of home again…that feeling of belonging.  And as much as I love NYC, the thought of going back there doesn’t feel right.

At least not right now.

Motivation

So, last night on Fate Points, we had Mark Diaz Truman​  on the show and it is impossible to not to be inspired by him. He shows such a positive attitude and energy and you cannot help but get caught up in it.

As someone that struggles to keep motivated at the best of times, I cannot help but be inspired by the people on G+. So many talented people, doing so many talented things.

What I have to learn to do is translate this feeling into long term motivation.

I am great in small spurts. I always have been. But to really think I can write a novel and make an rpg, I am going to have to have motivation that sustains over time.  Talking to Mark and other people on G+ helps with this. There are so many amazing people on there that want to do nothing more than just help others achieve things.

In this age that can be an astonishing thing.

So, yes. I need to stay motivated, and have that motivation turn into something that resembles discipline (I think I still know what that is). 

Even this 250 words thing I am doing has me writing more than I have in years. This gives me hope as that is the kind of sustainable thing I need to continue.

Will it be easy? Hell no. Nothing worth doing is. But I constantly see people on G+ accomplish things and it makes me want so badly to do so as well.

250 words featuring me being a jerk and thoughts on 2014

So, this is the next #250words featuring my thoughts on how often I can be a jerk, and general thoughts about the new year.

I am a jerk, sometimes

My track record with relationships is not exactly great. Whether it is friendship, family, or love. Part of me wants to say it isn’t my fault, but not accepting responsibility for the things I do was how I used to be. 

So, in the last five days I have managed to hurt a really close friend of mine, not once, but twice. Both times it was me telling myself they would reject me in some way. Now, I have dealt with my fear of rejection my entire life, but I thought it has gotten better of the years.

It really has, but that doesn’t mean all of the fear of abandonment is gone. That makes it even worse as I don’t want to be that way. Yet, twice I have taken a moment that could have been a sweet moment between two people and turned it into something worse. 

Ideally, this is not the super power you want to have.

The idea of hurting my friend this way breaks my heart. The look of pain on her face is still on my mind. Fear does some crazy shit. It makes us doubt ourselves, and others. It makes us want to push back on people until they don’t want to have anything to do with us.

Apologies are important, and I have already done that. But I also know it takes much more than that. If you truly love and trust someone, you should prove it to them by actions, not only words.

2014

I am excited about the new year. 

2013 was not the best year for me. It was not horrible, but not good either. It started with me staying in with friends in their attic. I know I have never conveyed to them the appropriate amount of gratitude for that. 

But this is a new year. A chance to start fresh in hopes that I can get my life back on track. 

I know people say this every year, but this is the first time I have actually believed my life could get better. Not that I went in the previous four years thinking it would be horrible. But there is a difference between hoping things can get better and actually believing they will. 

Pittsburgh is my home now, and I am excited to get to know the city better. It took some time for me to feel that way about it, but I am there now. 

But even more than all of that, I want to be a better person this year. I want to consistently have a positive and healthy attitude.  Be a better friend to people that matter to me.

I want to meet new people and play more games, but also reach out to those that already are friends.
I want to write more both on the novel and rpg


I want my life back. 

But most of all, I want to be happy again. It has been a while since I have felt that way and it is something I need in my life again.

250 words starring my novel and the rpg

Next on the 250 words agenda. First is a small summary about the Rpg I still want to make. Only an introduction, and probably a poorly edited one at that. :)  Second is the beginning of chapter 1 of the novel I want to write. It is based in the world of the Rpg, and is called Shadow over Kushara (working title).

Kushara’s Fate (working title)

I still I want to use Fate as a starting point for the game. 

Part of the idea of the game is loosely based on Jim Butcher’s Codex Alera series. In which each character is tied to an elemental  spirit. They then use the spirit to enhance their own abilities. Now, we did not want to go the route of spirits, but we did like idea of players in the game being linked to one of the four elements. Air, earth, fire, and wind. This would give each player some elemental skills that are innate, but not necessarily linked to magic. For example, someone that has the water sign can automatically breathe under water.  The elements are going to be very important. 

The other big influence is Star Wars and even Firefly. At least in sense that the players will be playing part of a resistance group trying to keep their world from being taken over. That group will be very Empire or Alliance like. Now the resistance group is broke up into different conflicting factions, so I want there to be drama coming from many different directions. 

Kushara is also a very dangerous place, mostly due to the elemental nature of the world. Disasters like: tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, and volcanos are just a few of the dangers the world offers. I have always wanted this to be a huge component in the game. Yes, there will be other components, but weather is going to be a huge factor. 

Chapter 1 of Shadow over Kushara

Devin crouched quietly in the shadows of the forest.

He was trying desperately to catch his breath and listened carefully for any signs of pursuit. Seconds trickled by slowly and the forest was eerily void of sounds. Surely, they must have given up by now. I have been running in this damn forest for hours.

His destination was Orton’s Cross, the village where he grew up as a child. Word had reached him that the Fury was coming, and he had to warn his family of the danger.

If he was not too late. 

Eventually, Devin allowed himself hope that he had escaped the Guardians pursuit, but he knew they were hunting him. To make matters worse, he could feel a throbbing pain spreading down to his right knee.  There were also noticeable burns on his clothes from when the he stumbled on to a patrol of Guardians while leaving the city of Toran. Shock; quickly turned into a fight for his life. Somehow, he managed to dodge most of their attacks with fire. 

He wished he had the healing powers of his sister, but his own abilities went a different path and he would have to make do.

Still, he feared that in his haste to leave Toran, his comrades were not safe. Images of them being tortured threatened to overwhelm his exhausted mind. Shaking off the images, he knew that he could not get distracted; otherwise it could lead to his death.

Yet, things could be worse, he could be Alaris. 

My plan, and the first two 250 words entries...

So, the plan is going to post anything that I write for the 250 words on here. Along with, anything that I write for the book. To keep from spamming too much, I am going to only post the 250 words after writing 2-3 of them. 

Mike

Two years ago this previous Sunday, my brother died at the age of 42. He died of cancer. 

I am now 43, and it saddens me so much that he was taken away at such a young age. I don’t want to paint a false picture here as since I was adopted, I had not seen my brother in over 20 years. But in the few years before his death, we actually communicated much more often. Not as much as I would like to have, but sadly that is how it feels when you realize you can never speak to that person again. 

I wish I had gotten to tell him how much I cared and respected who he was. I have NEVER known someone that was a better person. Ever. He touched so many people.

My best memory of Mike is that he took me to see one of my favorite movies of all time. The Princess Bride. I must have been like 15 or so, since I don’t remember when it came out. This movie has always had special meaning for me as it was one of the few times in my life I actually got to spend time with him.

So, every time I watch this movie I think of him. I cannot watch this movie and not cry a little as I realize he is no longer here. I wish I had told him how special this memory was. 

But that is ok, it will never leave me.

Pittsburgh

So, I spent the first two years living here, fighting the fact that I was not in NYC. To make things worse, I made fun of the city as often as I could during that time.

Yeah, I know, not cool.

It isn't like there was anything wrong with Pittsburgh, but NYC was the first place in my life that felt like home. Also, the manner in which I left the city left a bad taste in my mouth. I also put unrealistic thoughts in my head about how easy it would be to get back to NYC. Knowing how bad the job market is there, and also knowing how expensive it is. So, when I did not reach my goals in the last couple of years, I beat myself up for it. 

Yes, I am aware of how silly that is.

Now? The city has grown on me. I have close friends here and have met some wonderful people here. Which includes a younger version of myself, whose friendship means the world to me. I hope she knows that. Also, there are some really great gamers here, but I need to actually get out and see them more.

But, the realization came out of nowhere. I was walking downtown about a month ago and I realized that for the first time I liked Pittsburgh. I am not sure when that changed, but I am thankful for it.

Yes, I may eventually get back to NYC at some point, but I want to enjoy my life here, and that started with letting go of the past.

Writing is gonna happen!

So, I started this blog in hopes that it will motivate me to write more. I have never been one that has written consistently, but am hoping I can find a way to change that.

I have always wanted to write, and when I was younger, I did so all the time. Even had a really bad and dark poem published years, and years ago. But lately? Not much. I get going for a while, but discipline is not something I have much of lately. Struggling to find focus and not be distracted by my life has resulted in inconsistent writing...both in quality and quantity.

There are two things I want to write.

#1. The Rpg I want to make. That is going to require a whole different part of me to do.  will also require a lot of writing. Things like setting, rules, examples, etc.

It is loosely called Kushara's Fate. I still want to start with the Fate Core system and create the game. Is loosely based on the world of the Codex Alera by Jim Butcher. A power is trying to take over the everything and only you and your people can stop them. Yes, I realize it is a little cliche, but there is more to it than that. :)

#2. A novel that takes place in the rpg I want to make. Loosely named Shadows over Kushara. I have written a small amount thus far, but am more than a little nervous about how poorly it is written. Heh. It has been so many years that I know I have a long way to go as a writer, but really would like to see that move in a positive way.

A shout out to +Brianna Sheldon and her 250 words she has been doing for a bit now. Her goal is to write 250 words every single day. I watch her share this on Google+ anything from fiction, to just her feelings about a number of topics. It motivates me to do the same. I cannot honestly say I have done it every day, but I am getting better.

So, hopefully this is a starting point for me. A way to east back into creating something. I am always so much happier when I am doing that and this is the year for me to start doing things that make me happy.

My goal is also to hopefully get other people excited about writing as well. I would love to get people to follow this as I want to share this adventure with people in my life.

Cheers!