250 words featuring me being a jerk and thoughts on 2014

So, this is the next #250words featuring my thoughts on how often I can be a jerk, and general thoughts about the new year.

I am a jerk, sometimes

My track record with relationships is not exactly great. Whether it is friendship, family, or love. Part of me wants to say it isn’t my fault, but not accepting responsibility for the things I do was how I used to be. 

So, in the last five days I have managed to hurt a really close friend of mine, not once, but twice. Both times it was me telling myself they would reject me in some way. Now, I have dealt with my fear of rejection my entire life, but I thought it has gotten better of the years.

It really has, but that doesn’t mean all of the fear of abandonment is gone. That makes it even worse as I don’t want to be that way. Yet, twice I have taken a moment that could have been a sweet moment between two people and turned it into something worse. 

Ideally, this is not the super power you want to have.

The idea of hurting my friend this way breaks my heart. The look of pain on her face is still on my mind. Fear does some crazy shit. It makes us doubt ourselves, and others. It makes us want to push back on people until they don’t want to have anything to do with us.

Apologies are important, and I have already done that. But I also know it takes much more than that. If you truly love and trust someone, you should prove it to them by actions, not only words.

2014

I am excited about the new year. 

2013 was not the best year for me. It was not horrible, but not good either. It started with me staying in with friends in their attic. I know I have never conveyed to them the appropriate amount of gratitude for that. 

But this is a new year. A chance to start fresh in hopes that I can get my life back on track. 

I know people say this every year, but this is the first time I have actually believed my life could get better. Not that I went in the previous four years thinking it would be horrible. But there is a difference between hoping things can get better and actually believing they will. 

Pittsburgh is my home now, and I am excited to get to know the city better. It took some time for me to feel that way about it, but I am there now. 

But even more than all of that, I want to be a better person this year. I want to consistently have a positive and healthy attitude.  Be a better friend to people that matter to me.

I want to meet new people and play more games, but also reach out to those that already are friends.
I want to write more both on the novel and rpg


I want my life back. 

But most of all, I want to be happy again. It has been a while since I have felt that way and it is something I need in my life again.