The importance of change

Change is hard.

It isn’t something we like to have to do.  Most of the time, we would rather live in our own shell and not have to deal with things. There is a comfort in that. A false sense of safety in our unwillingness to move on.

Or face change.

Why? Change scares the fuck out of us. Hell, there are times when we would rather be miserable, if for no other reason than it is comfortable. Yes, that is not the smartest thing, but that does a lot to explain why so many people are unhappy.

But whether we want to admit it or not (and without caring with what we think about it) life is always changing. This is never an easy thing to accept, especially when you have control issues. I know I struggle with change all the damn time as I need to control things so much that it causes me problems. I sometimes want things to be the way I want them, and when they are not, I tend to not react to well to that situation.

I wish this was a new thing, but it isn’t. It has gotten so much worse in the last four years. I compound this by becoming more and more reclusive from people. I have a good chance of spending the 4^th alone, and in the short term I have absolutely no problem with that. It is a three day weekend and that is nice all in its own. But in the long term it is just a remind of how much I still keep so many people at a distance.

I know I am doing these things, but sometimes even when you know what you are doing wrong, it is so damn hard to stop.

I live so much in the past and still cling to it so much. Still unable to face things that have haunted me for years. The worst part of not wanting to deal with change is how much of a coward it makes you feel like. This isn’t me beating myself up, there are things I have not dealt with for years mostly cuz I am just afraid.

Self-awareness is pointless if you don’t find a way to use it to your advantage. There are times that I can be amazing at this, but most of the time I just ignore what I don’t want to deal with.

I know I want to be happier, and these are the things I have to change.  

And be willing to let that change happen.