The importance of asking for help

Yesterday, was kind of a rough day for me as I just was not happy with where my life is. This happens sometimes as I still struggle with trying to be happier. That is my own struggle and not really what this is about.

But last night I got a call from someone I knew in New York. Someone I met while gaming and someone that I try to keep up with, but I am not always good at that. So, we haven’t spoken in about six months or so and since she is not a fan of social networking (due to some serious trolling last year), there has not been any contact at all.

So after getting caught up and saying how we should visit each other, yada, yada, yada, she then tells me she has thought about killing herself a lot lately.

Damn.

Now, the last time I seriously thought about killing myself was over twenty years ago…so I do get it up to a point. But that was also a LONG time ago. As sad as I can get now it never reaches that point and it just breaks my heart that people still struggle with this…regardless of age. She is one year younger than I am and we want to tell ourselves that the older we get it is easier to deal with our shit. That isn’t always the case and I was really struggling to come up with words of comfort. A lot of that had to do with own mood yesterday, but after I got off the phone I felt like I had not “done enough”. So, I reached out to a few other people I knew in NYC that both of us knew, in hopes they could go see her and give her more comfort than I felt like I did.

I guess the point of this is. Sometimes life is too much. It can be very hard, and lord knows we have the capacity to make it even more so. It can beat you down and make you want to quit. This happens to just about everyone at some point in their lives. I am not saying life is all bad, cuz there is still beauty, and hope and love that anyone can have. If they really want it. I am just saying sometimes it is fucking hard.

In this instance I am glad she reached out to me. I may not have done as much as I felt like I should have, but the people I contacted have been with her since last night. I received a text this morning saying they were going to take care of her and get her the right kind of help.

I don’t pray, but I can send out my own positive thoughts for Julie.

The importance of being who you are

Yes, this sounds easy, right? Just be who you are.

The problem is sometimes, you don’t know what that is. You can go through periods of your life where you just lose track of who you are. Those things that made you happy and helped you through the bad shit just disappear. I know I have went through this on and off for a while, but especially in the last two years.  

But I have been slowly coming out of if the last few months. I am back to reading the way I did in New York. I have felt the gaming bug slowly start to come back. Lately I have even gone back and started reading some of the books for games I want to play.

But this last weekend, I went to Nunchcon 4.0, a small mini-con here in Pittsburgh. I played three games and got caught up with a few people I have not seen in almost a year….which was awesome. But even more than that it was a way for me to fight the odd anxiety I have developed since last December. I am not saying that the anxiety could have been there before that, but that was the first time it manifested itself.

And it felt great.

Mostly cuz I feel like for a long time I have denied myself my geekier passions. I know, I know. I am 43 years old and some would say I should stop loving dragons, video games, tabletop rpg’s, etc. I have heard it more than a few times throughout my life. But it is something that gives me joy. Part of it is a social thing as it is just nice to be around people that like the same things as you. The other part of it is just doing those things you love. Things like going to the movies, or reading a great book. These are one of the few constants in my 43 years.

Also, isn’t it just nice to allow myself to feel good about something? I am really hard on myself most of the time and some would say I fight being happy. So, for this moment I feel really good. Getting back to doing the things that not only:

(A) allows me to enjoy things I love.

But maybe just as important (B) requires me to be more social again.

So, that is it. Just feeling good after a fun weekend. Am hoping I can keep the momentum . Which to be fair, is solely up to me.

Four years later

Just over four years ago, my life started to change for the worst.

I lost my job (and had a hard time finding a new one), pushed away a woman that loved and supported me, struggled financially, and went into a depression for the first time in years. After that, things just got worse. I lost control of my life, lost my apartment, lost everything I owned because my storage unit screwed up and sold it all in an auction.

Oy. I was one step away from going to a shelter. If not for the love of friends of mine, I don’t know where I would have been. First in New York, and later in Pittsburgh.

Now four years later, I feel like I am in some of the same rut. Still, struggling to find work. Still struggling with depression. Having to live with a bunch of degenerates because I don’t have consistent enough work to get my own place.

Yes, life can be hard at times.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I know this looks like I am just whining, and on some level, maybe I am. It is hard sometimes to think things will get better. You tell yourself they will, but it can be hard to imagine at times.

But it has to change. On some levels it has, as I can feel confidence in who I am slowly returning. Yes, there are setbacks as I still struggle with depression, but there is also hope. I have always thought that you have to believe things will get better before they actually can. I mean how can you find the determination and strength to get better if you don’t believe you can?

You also know there are still so many people that have it worse than you.

Now, I am 43, and no, my life is not where I want it to be. That is how life is sometimes. But you dust yourself off…get up off the ground and keep moving forward. Even if you aren’t moving forward as quickly as you would like.

Forward is forward. I saw something on FB today and shared it because it nails where I am right now.  It said, “What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.”

Yep. 

Depression and what Robin Williams taught me

I am not gonna lie, the death and suicide of Robin Williams has hit me pretty hard.

I would love to say that it was solely because growing up he was one of my idols. Or that even now he was one of my favorite comedic actors…which is true.  

This was a man that struggled with his own demons for most of his life and yet still brought people such joy with his ability to make us laugh. I think people underestimate just how important laughter is in the grand scope of things. If nothing else laughter can help keep the demons at bay…even if for just a moment.

But mostly it has made me come face to face with my own depression. Now, this isn’t an epiphany that I am depressed, I have known this for a long time. Yet, most of the time I have a hard time admitting it and even more so, dealing with it. It isn’t the life crushing, going to take me life kind of depression. I haven’t felt THAT way in some time. To me at least, it is almost worse, cuz it is that sneaky kind of depression that only comes around every once in a while and allows me to think I have a handle on it.

The great illusion.

There is also someone in my life right now that although we are not getting along at all, has a deep depression that terrifies me. Most of the time they think that it will never get better. I try to tell them it will, but hell I wonder the same things sometimes…and probably sound like a hypocrite. But just how much it affects her scares the hell out of me. I love her very much and although those words are easy to say, it is hard to watch her struggle so much with it and not be able to do anything to really help her.

I think the thing that hit me so hard about Robin’s death was that he was 63. We tell ourselves that as we get older, we should be able to deal with our shit better. But that isn’t really true is it? I am not much better at dealing with my own insecurities more now, than when they really started to show themselves year ago when I pushed someone I loved away due to being afraid. Depression doesn’t care how old you are.

Just the idea of being that age and not being able to handle it, scares the fuck out of me. Not for me (although a little), but for all of the people I know that have to deal with this horrible thing. There are too many people out there that are just one bad day from ending it all. To those people I wish I could say something that would make it better.

The bottom line is we all fight our own demons, but we all need support to handle them. This is not easy for people sometimes as we. don’t want others to see us as weak. That is my own personal pride. I do not want anyone else to ever see me struggle, so I go away. Hurting myself, and others in the process. I have to learn that as much as I want to be there for people in my life that struggle with this horrible disease, so do I…and I need support just as much as they do.

This is something that can be beaten. I truly believe this for myself, for my friend that I love VERY much, and for anyone else out there that is fighting the fight against depression. 

I don’t wanna to feel like this tomorrow
I don’t wanna live like this today
Make me feel better
I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now
And never surrender
Never surrender.

That.

The importance of home

The importance of home

This is something I think about a lot.

Home is something I have not felt a lot in my life. I spend the first 32 years of my life in Oklahoma, and it never really felt like I belonged there. That isn’t to blame anyone that I was with whether it was friendship, love, or even family. There was always a part of me that knew I would not end up there.

Then I moved to NYC and for the first time in my life, found the peace that you have when you realize you belong somewhere. I had great friends, an awesome neighborhood, and for one brief moment, a beautiful woman that loved me

It was the happiest I have ever been in my life, and wow do I miss that feeling so damn much.  

All of that changed in 2010, when I was laid off.

In just over a year, I lost my love (although that was my fault), I lost my apartment, could not find a job, had NO money,  and lost everything I owned when a storage unit completely screwed me over. As much as I love New York and Queens especially, it is a city that will beat the shit out of you if you are struggling.

That is just the way the city is. Good or bad.

So, I came to Pittsburgh in December of 2011, and have still had a lot of the same struggles.  Especially in the job/money departments. I still cannot get a handle on how I feel about city and I have lived here just a little over two years. There are times when I really enjoy what this city has, and other times where so many things annoy me…and I miss NYC.

It isn’t as simple as moving back to NYC. Hell, the city kind of left few marks on me that make me a bit apprehensive about moving back there. I mean, maybe someday. But soon? I don’t know. The job market is so hard there and that is a huge part of it.

So now? I am a bit in limbo. Things will be better when I get a full time (and long term) job and can  have my own place. It is hard to have a home when you live with jackasses. So, I have to be honest about how much that effects it all.

So, I am still searching for home. Life is about change, and I am trying to be better about accepting that (with mixed results).  But the search is part of it right? I have hope that I can find home again and with that, peace.

All about the journey and all that?

The importance of the fight

Some days are just harder than others.

You try to be optimistic and in a good place, but when you are fighting depression that isn't always easy. Today is that kind of day. Don't get me wrong, nothing bad has happened today, except just not sleeping well the last three days. Just am having a hard time getting around today and cannot even understand how it can only be Wednesday.

That doesn't mean you let it win.

That is sometimes the hardest place to get to. Just reaching that point where you just say...NO MORE. That doesn't mean everything will change in the moment and you will not longer feel sad or depressed. But when you finally reach the point where you are not going to accept it as an outcome and are willing to fight to be happy again.

I still waver at this at times and have my own dark days to be sure. But I am getting to that point where things inspire me again. Which also really helps, because we cannot do this alone. We need other people to help us. We need to find things that reminds us what the end result can be. This can come from a number of places, but you have to be open to optimism and not let negativity just brush it aside.

This isn't an easy thing for damn sure.

But what worth fighting for is ever easy?

The importance of passion

I have said for years that without passion, you have an empty life.  

I am not saying it is the most profound thought ever, but it is something I truly believe in. Especially when things go bad. If nothing else, passion helps deal with the stress when life gets a bit crazy. Distraction can be a god send when you can fall back on things that you truly love.

But it is more than that.

There is a joy in being passionate about something. That “thing” that can always make you feel better, no matter the time or place. That thing that you can find others that love it as much as you do and revel in the fact that you can talk about it for what seems like forever.

This is what has been missing in my life.

I have two passions. Two things that have been such an important part of who I am that It used to be impossible to imagine not doing either. Times change.

The first is reading. Especially the fantasy and mystery genres. I grew up on the Lord of the Rings, and read the Dresden Files once a year. Every year.  There have only been a few times In my life where I did not want to read. Which is a big damn clue as to how depressed I am at that point. I mean no matter what, I am a reader. I take a book EVERYWHERE. But in the last year, I have been hot and cold with it. I am out of that now, but it is hard to look at my life and see how unimportant it was.

The second is gaming, the tabletop kind. This is something I have done for almost 25 years now. Something that became such a huge part of me and over the years gave me so many great moments. I have made friends though this. My closest friends became close through this. This has always been there and although people might find the idea of playing a thief, jedi, fighting the minions of cthulhu, wizard in the dresdenverse, etc., silly. It is something I loved.

Both things have been missing. I am reading now, but the gaming thing is coming much slower. Mostly cuz gaming requires a lot of time and people to do it with. The last isn’t really a problem, but the first has been.

I am almost there I think.

Not quite, as I have a chance to do it this weekend. But I don’t think I am quite ready for that yet as I just don’t have the energy yet.. But the time will come when I am ready to pull out the dice and kick some ass is coming.

Cuz I need that passion back. My life is missing without it.

The importance of music and faith

The last few weeks have been like me stepping out of fog. For too long depression and anxiety have taken control of me. This is something I have fought on and off since 2010. But sometimes it is something as simple as finding something to help you find your faith. My faith is who I am as a person. My belief that I am a good man and can try to live my life the best I can.

What I found was a band called Skillet. Now, the most ironic part of this is that I found out they are considered a christian rock band. This was really confusing at first as I did not want to associate anything with something religious. But thankfully the lyrics are just positive and moving and not overly religious in nature.

As a friend said, I shouldn’t be so worried about where the inspiration comes from and just accept that it did.

Yesterday? I felt as good as I have in a long damn time. I got spend time with a great friend and it was an amazing night. It is so damn nice to just feel something that resembles happiness.

Here are some lyrics I love so far, in no particular order.

Awake and Alive 

I'm at war with the world 

And they try to pull me into the dark

I struggle to find my faith 

As I am slipping from your arms

It's getting harder to stay awake

And my strength is fading fast

Your breathe into me at last

I ’m awake, I’m alive

Now, I know what I believe inside

Now, it’s my time

I’ll do what I want ‘cause this is my life

Here (right here)

Right now (right now)

Stand my ground and never back down

I know what I believe inside

I’m awake, and I’m alive

Never Surrender

Do you know what it’s like when you’re scared to see yourself

Do you know what it’s like when you wish you were someone else

Who didn’t need your help to get by

Do you know what it’s like to wanna surrender

Do you know what it's like when you're not who you wanna be?

Do you know what it's like to be your own worst enemy?

Who sees the things in me I can't hide?

Do you know what it's like to wanna surrender?

I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow

I don't wanna live like this today

Make me feel better

I wanna feel better

Stay with me here now and never surrender

Not gonna die tonight

This is how it feels when you’re bent and broken

This is how it feels when your dignity’s stolen

When everything you love is leaving

You hold on to what you believe in

No, not gonna die tonight

We’re gonna stand and fight forever

(don’t close your eyes)

No, not gonna die tonight

We’re gonna fight for us together

No, were not gonna die tonight

One day too late

Today I’m gonna try a little harder

Gonna make every minute last longer

Gonna learn to forgive and forget

Gonna we don’t have long, gonna make the most of it

Whispers in the dark

No, you’ll never be alone

When darkness comes I’ll light night with stars

Hear the whispers in the dark

No, you’ll never be alone

When darkness comes you know I’m never far

Hear the whispers in the dark

The importance of change

Change is hard.

It isn’t something we like to have to do.  Most of the time, we would rather live in our own shell and not have to deal with things. There is a comfort in that. A false sense of safety in our unwillingness to move on.

Or face change.

Why? Change scares the fuck out of us. Hell, there are times when we would rather be miserable, if for no other reason than it is comfortable. Yes, that is not the smartest thing, but that does a lot to explain why so many people are unhappy.

But whether we want to admit it or not (and without caring with what we think about it) life is always changing. This is never an easy thing to accept, especially when you have control issues. I know I struggle with change all the damn time as I need to control things so much that it causes me problems. I sometimes want things to be the way I want them, and when they are not, I tend to not react to well to that situation.

I wish this was a new thing, but it isn’t. It has gotten so much worse in the last four years. I compound this by becoming more and more reclusive from people. I have a good chance of spending the 4^th alone, and in the short term I have absolutely no problem with that. It is a three day weekend and that is nice all in its own. But in the long term it is just a remind of how much I still keep so many people at a distance.

I know I am doing these things, but sometimes even when you know what you are doing wrong, it is so damn hard to stop.

I live so much in the past and still cling to it so much. Still unable to face things that have haunted me for years. The worst part of not wanting to deal with change is how much of a coward it makes you feel like. This isn’t me beating myself up, there are things I have not dealt with for years mostly cuz I am just afraid.

Self-awareness is pointless if you don’t find a way to use it to your advantage. There are times that I can be amazing at this, but most of the time I just ignore what I don’t want to deal with.

I know I want to be happier, and these are the things I have to change.  

And be willing to let that change happen.

The importance of laughter

That sounds silly, right? We all laugh, right?

Don’t we?

In all of the weirdness that I am dealing with in regards to my “issues”. Something hit me last night. I don’t laugh much anymore. Yes, there are occasions of television/movie/someone in real life saying something that makes you laugh. But that doesn’t happen as often as it used too.

At least not lately.

This is a huge thing. Laughter is kind of a buffer against depression and anxiety. At least to me, but honestly for most people I would think. I am someone that lives to make other people laugh and understand the importance of being able to do so. So, when I realize that I don’t laugh much anymore, this just goes hand in hand with all of the other issues I have right now.

Maybe it as simple as if you are laughing, then you are not feeling all the negative things. Negativity has a way of steamrolling on you and sometimes it can be very hard to fight. It is kind of like that annoying friend that won’t go away. It just stays around, eating your food and ignoring your pleas to get the hell out.

When I talk about laughter, I don’t mean laughing at someone to be cruel. That is easy and whether you want to admit it or not, everyone does this to some extent. No, I mean the genuine, deep in your gut laugh.The one that makes you snort or just feel silly for even doing so. When someone makes a joke or an observation that you were not expecting, and that laugh just sneaks out of you.

I actually have a good friend that does this to me, I should let her know more often, how much I appreciate that. 

Yeah, it can be an amazing thing. 

As I said it also is a defense against all the negativity that you can have in your life. If you are laughing, you are smiling, and if you are smiling, you are not sad. It is a very simple thing, but one that you can lose touch with when you are dealing with stress and anxiety all the time. You have to try to fight the negative bullshit, as life can throw you some curves on occasion.

For me? I may have to find me a silly comedy this weekend to watch. Something that just for an hour makes me laugh and smile.

It is a start.

The importance of sanity

I feel more than a little crazy lately. There are factors; one is my sleeping (or lack thereof).

I am not someone that normally sleeps well. But the last month and a half may be the worst batch of sleeping I have ever had. Hell, this is even with having sleep apnea most of my life. I am also sleeping on maybe the least comfortable air mattress in the history of ever. But I don't have the money for a bed and have even tried sleeping on the floor the last two days.

A friend game me a couple of Ambien over the weekend. Man, if I ever became addicted to a drug it would not be weed, or coke. It would be sleeping pills. It has happened before and is really the only drug I have ever thought could be a problem.

Still, I would take that shit so hard right now. J

I fell asleep at my desk today. I am kind of glad no one saw that as management usually frowns on you sleeping on their dime.

So, this is just adding to all the other things right now.

Beyond that, I am also irritable. Overly sensitive. Anxious. Exhausted. Sad. Defensive. Distracted. I mean REALLY distracted. This is saying something as I can barely hold conversations with people right now without looking up at every damn noise. Yes, I have ADD, but it is never this bad.

Oh and needy. I have NEVER been needy. Never needed people to pay attention to me to this point and get crazy when they don't. Hell, I wish I could say that people are wrong, but I have heard this from three people in the last 24 hours. Kind of hard to ignore all that.

Well, at least now it was. I did a pretty good job of ignoring for the last month or so.

I feel like all I do lately is annoy everyone. Either by being all I mentioned above, or even just kind of rude. Things just popping out of my mouth that even my limited access to a filter ignore. This has happened a lot lately. Where I just kind of snap at people for no real reason.

Apologizing to people all the time is starting to get old. If you are always having to do that, you have a problem.

None of this is an excuse to how I have acted lately. But they are factors, and ones that I have to deal with to get better.

To get sane again.

The importance of overcoming

I needed to get some words out of me and this seems like a good place for it.

So, I am struggling right now. You would think that getting a temporary job would have made me feel better, but I have never felt much relief at that. Yes, having money is nice and lord knows how I missed going to the movies. But at the end of this rainbow is the fact that in 3-5 weeks I could be unemployed again. That scares the hell out of me.

I don’t think people realize how hard that can be. It is easy to just say, “get a job”, and there is some truth to that. But the first trap is unemployment. It can lull you into a false sense of security as you tell yourself that you are getting money and you will wait for the right job. But without a car here, finding a job has been a lot harder than it really needed to be.

Eventually, it can start making your doubt yourself. Hell, I do that enough as it is, as I struggle with the man that I am as opposed to the man I could be. This has been this way for over four years now. I don’t have a lot of confidence in who I am, whether it is about how I am with people, or even in my non-existent dating life. Doubt is easy, and we all struggle with it.

I am trying to remember the last time I really felt good about myself. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t always depression or anything. But to actually feel good? It has been a while. It is evident in how I am not passionate about the things I have loved for so long anymore. Or, at least I struggle to maintain it. I have game once in the last year. ONCE. This is something I have loved since I was 20. But I have not had the energy to do it in so long. Even now, I still don’t have the energy for it. Hell, I only started reading again a few months ago. That has always been the one constant in my life, and it felt weird to not care about that.

This is showing signs of changing, but slowly.

I lay in bed last night trying to go to sleep, and i realized I was crying. Hell, I didn’t even know why. Yes, I have had my struggles with depression the last few years, and lord knows due to my crappy bed type apparatus, I rarely have a good nights sleep. That last part goes a LONG way to make all of this worse. Because of this, it has made me a little crazy for a while. I don’t mean psycho kind of crazy, just a very sensitive, and over-reactive kind of crazy. This has caused problems with more than a few people I care about. I am so damn tired of apologizing yet again for reacting the way I do. Yet, when you fuck up, you have to do that.

But with all of this comes hope. I can feel the voice in the back of my mind that wants this to be different.. I refuse to think this is the way my life will always be. I know right now things could be better, but I truly believe I will get my damn life in order at some point. I have to believe that. Life is about balance and it will tip my way again.

You also have to remember that life sure could be a hell of a lot worse too.

Still, I want a great life, god damn it.

I want the things I used to have. Things I lost, or just threw away. Great friends, someone to love, a place to call home. I have no idea where that will take me, and it could even take me out of Pittsburgh, but I know I want that again. Right now, I just have to find the energy to claim that kind of life again.

It isn’t happening today. Or maybe even tomorrow. But it will happen. I truly believe that if you don't think things will get better, they never will. That is sometimes that hardest step.

250 words posts about feeling something and being a geek

Feeling something

 
Yes, maybe an odd topic, but the last several years have been a bit crazy.
 
I say that because after all the bad things happened with the job, the ex, and losing everything in NYC…I feel like I have been walking in slow motion ever since. A lot of that is my fault, as I allowed this to happen, but due to it; I kind of shut myself off to protect myself. Not feeling anything but anger, sadness, or frustration.

I know I am not the only one that does that.
 
Other people may get over things quicker. That isn't in my skillset…reluctant to change and all that. I know that sounds silly, but it is easy to get stuck in something and not know how to stop. Before you even realize it, weeks go by, and then it turns into months. The walls go back up very easily sometimes.
 
Living in that kind of haze is easy, but eventually you want things to be different. To feel something again. But time passes and you start to doubt. Just like anything else, you wonder if there is something wrong with you and if things will never change.
 
Yet, the nice thing about life is that it can still prove you wrong. It doesn't take into consideration your negativity or your doubt. Life just brings people into your life and you can either fight it (like I usually do), or ride it out. Sometimes these people are special and them being in your life is more important than protecting yourself.

Geek!

I was asked yesterday why I was such a geek. 

It made me laugh as it did not feel like it was meant as a compliment. It wasn't really meant as an insult either, but either way it amused me.

But it started when I was 8 years old and got went to the library. At this point I was only into reading so much, but that day I brought home the Hobbit. Which I enjoyed, but it got me to my first obsession…The Lord of the Rings.

That obsession has last my entire life, and it was a gateway to other things that I became fanatical about. Things like: Final Fantasy, Harry Potter, The Dresden Files, The Hunger Games, Star Wars, and tabletop roleplaying.

I believe passion is important. 

Life can be crazy. It is good and bad, and awful and amazing. But when things go wrong it is nice to have something to fall back on to help deal with the craziness. For me that is usually reading, a good video game or movie. It is never too late to find a passion, you just have to be open to it. 

It doesn't take everything away, but anything that can help us deal with the bad “shit”, is a good thing. Not to mention, the friends that I have been lucky enough to make throughout my life that have some of the same interests. 

It also a part of who I am. A part that I embrace and that makes me happy.

250 words about home and motivation

Home

The thing I miss most about NYC was that it was home.

That may sound odd, but in 32 years, Oklahoma never felt that way.  When I had the chance to move to NYC, I jumped at the chance. I was in the city I loved, doing the things I loved. The theater, Yankee Stadium, the culture, and the food, oh lord the food.

Then life happened and I lost everything.

I would love to say that I was not to blame for this, but that isn’t true. I made some really bad decisions, and had more than a little bad luck. But maybe the hardest thing that happened was losing my home.

Was my apartment in Astoria the nicest apartment?  No. But damn it, it was mine, and it was the first place in my entire life that felt like home. Losing that sense of belonging is what hurt the most when things went bad.

After that I lost control of my life, and am still struggling to regain it.

Now for the last two years I have fought living in Pittsburgh. Never really giving this city a chance because I told myself I HAD to get back to New York. That was obviously doomed to fail.

Will Pittsburgh ever feel like home?

I don’t know the answer to that. But I know I want that feeling of home again…that feeling of belonging.  And as much as I love NYC, the thought of going back there doesn’t feel right.

At least not right now.

Motivation

So, last night on Fate Points, we had Mark Diaz Truman​  on the show and it is impossible to not to be inspired by him. He shows such a positive attitude and energy and you cannot help but get caught up in it.

As someone that struggles to keep motivated at the best of times, I cannot help but be inspired by the people on G+. So many talented people, doing so many talented things.

What I have to learn to do is translate this feeling into long term motivation.

I am great in small spurts. I always have been. But to really think I can write a novel and make an rpg, I am going to have to have motivation that sustains over time.  Talking to Mark and other people on G+ helps with this. There are so many amazing people on there that want to do nothing more than just help others achieve things.

In this age that can be an astonishing thing.

So, yes. I need to stay motivated, and have that motivation turn into something that resembles discipline (I think I still know what that is). 

Even this 250 words thing I am doing has me writing more than I have in years. This gives me hope as that is the kind of sustainable thing I need to continue.

Will it be easy? Hell no. Nothing worth doing is. But I constantly see people on G+ accomplish things and it makes me want so badly to do so as well.

250 words featuring me being a jerk and thoughts on 2014

So, this is the next #250words featuring my thoughts on how often I can be a jerk, and general thoughts about the new year.

I am a jerk, sometimes

My track record with relationships is not exactly great. Whether it is friendship, family, or love. Part of me wants to say it isn’t my fault, but not accepting responsibility for the things I do was how I used to be. 

So, in the last five days I have managed to hurt a really close friend of mine, not once, but twice. Both times it was me telling myself they would reject me in some way. Now, I have dealt with my fear of rejection my entire life, but I thought it has gotten better of the years.

It really has, but that doesn’t mean all of the fear of abandonment is gone. That makes it even worse as I don’t want to be that way. Yet, twice I have taken a moment that could have been a sweet moment between two people and turned it into something worse. 

Ideally, this is not the super power you want to have.

The idea of hurting my friend this way breaks my heart. The look of pain on her face is still on my mind. Fear does some crazy shit. It makes us doubt ourselves, and others. It makes us want to push back on people until they don’t want to have anything to do with us.

Apologies are important, and I have already done that. But I also know it takes much more than that. If you truly love and trust someone, you should prove it to them by actions, not only words.

2014

I am excited about the new year. 

2013 was not the best year for me. It was not horrible, but not good either. It started with me staying in with friends in their attic. I know I have never conveyed to them the appropriate amount of gratitude for that. 

But this is a new year. A chance to start fresh in hopes that I can get my life back on track. 

I know people say this every year, but this is the first time I have actually believed my life could get better. Not that I went in the previous four years thinking it would be horrible. But there is a difference between hoping things can get better and actually believing they will. 

Pittsburgh is my home now, and I am excited to get to know the city better. It took some time for me to feel that way about it, but I am there now. 

But even more than all of that, I want to be a better person this year. I want to consistently have a positive and healthy attitude.  Be a better friend to people that matter to me.

I want to meet new people and play more games, but also reach out to those that already are friends.
I want to write more both on the novel and rpg


I want my life back. 

But most of all, I want to be happy again. It has been a while since I have felt that way and it is something I need in my life again.